I have a wedding to attend in a few weeks. Having some other things on my mind, plus depreciating funds, I still haven't gotten around to buying a dress.
Out of desperation, I headed to the Banana Republic in Brooklyn Heights on Sunday, hoping to find something passable and not too expensive. Sadly, not only were a lot of dresses not in my size, but the ones that were in my size made my arms look like tree trunks. (Note: I have come to realize that unless I start working out multiple times a day, and doing 60 pushups every morning, or perhaps moving someplace I can surf nonstop, then the tree-trunk arms are just going to happen. Dealing with it. Eating, and living with this body, is much more fun than exercise.)
I got stuck in a top, gazed upon a body that appeared pregnant, counted the lines of cellulose on my upper arms. Sigh. No dress for me today. "I will go running every day," I vowed. Yes, that should do it. But... there was a Five Guys across the street. And didn't I promise, at the beginning of this year (which seems oh, so long ago... "achieve a better work-life balance," bwahahaha... you know I really meant "quit my job," right?), that I would eat a burger from Five Guys before the year was up?
So across the street I headed, getting a Five Guys hamburger "all the way," which meant getting two patties (this was a bit of a surprise) with a bunch of condiments including ketchup, mustard, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, mayo and other stuff. Fries, I didn't really need (arms! like tree trunks!), but I'd heard they were good, so I nodded. Coke, too. Can't have a burger without Coke.
After a bit of a wait, I picked up my burger and brought it home. Here's what the fries and burger looked like:
(And yes, that is a Hello Kitty figurine wearing a Dodger uniform in the background, why do you ask?)
The verdict: Well, there's quite a bit of burger here. Too much, I'd say. The meat in the burgers was tasteless and even a little dense and dry (I really didn't need two of them); the variety of condiments, while nice, made the burger unwieldy, difficult to eat. Things kept falling out of it. And I suppose it's my fault for not getting cheese, but there was nothing that really bound the burger together into a pleasing whole.
In the end, doesn't touch In 'n' Out for ease and joy of eating -- that burger sits so neatly and comfortably in your hand, imparting pleasure in every bite -- and doesn't come within a million country miles of Shake Shack, still the best-testing fast-ish food burger I've ever had, that will always occupy a special place in my heart. That place in my heart reserved for things made of meat.
