I've had the same e-mail address for at least five years, but for some reason (possibly because I had my e-mail address listed on this page for a while) I only started getting spam in the last year or so. These days, I get an awful lot of the stuff. And it's not the kind that promises penile implants and a rock-hard whatever. (Oh God, now I'm going to get some hits.) It's the kind that's made up of a strange sort of gibberish—one might even call it poetry—the purpose or provenance of which I can't even guess. Do spammers pull random pieces of prose from books or websites or . . . ? And why do they do it? I have a Mac, so I don't have to worry about downloading viruses or whatever. And many of these e-mails don't contain attachments. But I am alternately annoyed and intrigued by the spam. It comprises a language all its own.
Here's one piece of spam, for example, subject line "Re: Wm not ameslan." In this one, as with several others, the e-mail starts off with a Yahoo! business story about a new type of syringe on the market. And the body of the e-mail contains such head-scratching gems as:
with me unless it is to confirm what I say You know as well as I do that your cousin Kessler it would be preferred Next you sir Of course it would be preferred said Echols little shame faced Times are altering now and I suppose I shall be in a terrible state of to my poor mother Bless me Jerold adequate how you do remind me of her on their deserving legs All this time her aghast Annie never once spoke or lifted up her eyes have my place so I blushingly offered to resign it
See, this almost makes sense. But then it doesn't. Who is "your cousin Kessler"? What would be preferred? What did this person do to his/her poor mother? What makes Annie aghast and mute? (The Annie I know is anything but.) So intriguing. There is wisdom here, though. Times are, indeed, altering now. And I love the phrase "deserving legs." It's like the legs did something noble, like gave money to charity or helped clear landmines in Bosnia. Or maybe they're just really hot.
Here's one entitled "up bred the ma":
or of not having understood it or of having shown his condition in spite of himself seems to make like a couple of knaves And to take care said Mr Bonner that youre not imposed on eh No its because you are like no one else You are so good and so sweet tempered You have What a delightful and mackerel entertainment Dudley My divergent young Davy
I'm not sure what to make of this, but the author is either honestly impressed with this "Mr. Bonner" or is trying to get something out of him. He is like no one else, so good and so sweet-tempered! Please. That's a suckup if I ever heard one. I have to say, I do like the idea of "mackerel entertainment." So would that be entertainment for mackerels, or using mackerels?
And now, "Roxanne moisture" (emphasis mine):
the coachmans shoulder so near to me that his breath quite tickled the back of my head and my chirp Mr Carroll everything was done for the kindest and best frazier not what can be called ROBUST you know said Mrs Cornelius with emphasis scheme I was shortly afterwards fitted out with a handsome purse of money and a portmanteau repeated question What I would like to be But I had no particular liking that I could discover another opportunity of asking for a long time perhaps something I would ask I think of no one els and how stupid I am "tattler " of course Ah amiable indeed Here she left off now I look at you Not altered in the leastlike a shining cola through which I saw my earlier life moving along and to evince a familiarity with them so I shook my head as much as to say I believe you
There are several things that strike me about this one, a piece of spam that is almost Dickensian in its scope and tone. The narrator, having been supplied with money and a suitcase, has now been dispatched in a carriage to make his/her way in the world, like Pip in Great Expectations. S/he is insecure, thinking that others regard him/her as a liar, a fraud, a "tattler." Yet still, there is hope, in the form of a supportive, possibly romantic Other and, of course, the miraculous shining cola.
In our next edition of Deconstructing Spam, we'll look at the latest, "Dear Homeowner" series, including the homoerotic "Lisa Belcher," which includes this very Brokeback-like scenario set on a whaling ship:
there was a blank between her and Mr Spencer which at that time of year I was going down there whaling but I felt complimented too began to lay the cloth for my dinner in a box by the fire While he was so engaged but thought it manly to appear to expect
Hmm. Til next time, dear readers. May your lives be filled with deserving legs and shining colas.