You didn't believe me, did you? When I said people write outrageous Christmas letters ... you probably thought I was exaggerating.
Today, my parents received the annual Christmas letter from a former associate of my dad's. They find it so over the top that they've given me permission to reprint parts of it. "You can even say where he lives," they suggested, though I won't do that. I pointed out that if I reprinted any of this word for word, he might be able to find the blog post by searching for the phrasing. "Good!" they said. I love when my parents are gleefully vindictive.
Some people, you see, have no filter. Or maybe they have one, and it flies out the door when they sit down to write up the year's news. As I unfolded the letter, this paragraph — the second-to-last one — leapt out at me:
2013 specially the latter part of it has been a difficult year and chaotic for a lot of people. The medical field will be turned topsy-turvy by the ridiculous Obamacare. Unfortunately, more pain will come in the future. Well, with an incompetent, dishonest yet arrogant idealogue in the White House, what can one expect.
Yes, this was in a Christmas letter. Seriously?! Even if I agreed with that sentiment (which I obviously don't), I can't imagine how someone thought that was appropriate to say in a letter being sent out to a vast list of friends, family and long-lost acquaintances. Merry Christmas! Our president is a crook!
The letter ends with "Wishing you all, with God's grace to have a better 2014," which doesn't make any sense, since Obama's still going to be in the White House next year. He probably should have written, "Wishing you all to have a better 2017, when that scoundrel Obama is finally gone for good."
The rest of the letter goes in the other direction entirely. I now know a lot of vague, mundane things about his kids and grandkids. For example:
___ stays busy in her work. ____ is working for a different engineering company with higher pay. ____ is busy as usual in his business. ____ is in preschool and is in her usual sweet disposition except for occasional stubbornness.
Please understand, I'm sure his family is full of lovely, warm, hard-working people. I'm just not sure what the point of any of this was. This is like the worst of Facebook ("Eating a sandwich!" "That was a great sandwich!"), done up old-school style.
All of this brings me to the conclusion that I didn't do a good enough job of parodying the mind-numbing tedium of the annual Christmas letter. Here's what I should have written instead:
***2013 Christmas letter [excerpt]***
... ____ is five years old and still likes cars. He also likes trucks, but he really prefers cars. Mom and Dad got new Internet upstairs, and it's much faster. They also put new carpet in. It's similar to the old carpet but a slightly different color. Tonka has to wear a diaper when he leaves the house, or else he'll pee on the floor. Josie started eating new food and now has much better breath. Dexter had to have his leg amputated but was soon running around, peeing pooping on the carpet like his old self.
It's been a difficult year, partly because they cancelled "Happy Endings" and "Breaking Bad" ended. Most of all, I can't believe how terrible those Tea Party Republicans were this year, shutting down the government, stifling voting rights and spreading ridiculous myths about Obamacare. Well, with so many close-minded, ignorant idealogues being pig-headed liars, what can you expect? Unfortunately, they won't ever change. At least we kept them out of the White House until 2017. Also, gay marriage.
Wishing you all a better 2014, filled with hope, good health, and a Cal football team that wins more than one game.
Happy New Year, everyone.